Tomorrow ends my first week back and today was the hardest day yet. I had to make “that” call to Dr. Marglieth today. I’m waiting to hear his counsel, as he was off today. Tonight, my thinking brain collides with my heart and common sense; and there is no place to hide. My body speaks clearly. Tomorrow more than likely changes the rest of my life. When I thought I could whistle past the grave, so to speak, I was thinking superwoman could survive cancer and not have a consequential impact on her career too. I’m afraid and I’m learning.
I’m afraid to explain, my total package is not “on-line”. My heart is so into succeeding with this intermittent work approach. The rest of me is failing the test. Boo! I’m guessing chemotherapy drugs saturate your body and over time the killing-effect accumulates. There must be truth to the common expression that chemo kills you to save you. It’s the choice I did not want to make. I feared its outcomes.
I know this, I’m in the lucky generation. I’m receiving one anti-HR2 drug as a replacement for old school chemo drugs, but still must take at least one chemo drug with it. I will be adding a second anti-HER2 drug this coming treatment – Cycle 3. The previous generations did not have this option. I also benefit from having chemo before surgery where tests show exactly how effective, or ineffective, these drugs have been. I’m reminding myself that by surgery time I have no less than a 39% chance of complete shrinkage of the tumors. Previous generations had a 17% chance at best.
This week I learned this, peace, tranquility and positive focus matter greatly when fighting cancer, particularly through chemotherapy. When you progress through the day and then pass your heart and soul off to the night genies, you don’t want to be carrying unnecessary or weighty burden’s beyond the obvious frailties. The regular stresses of work can be a problem; for sure, extraordinary pressures from a company in transition while undergoing chemotherapy add an extra layer of stress. A layer that weighs on me. In those moments at night when your body says sleep, your thinking mind races considering choices and outcomes – outcomes which are incredibly huge as pertains to livelihood and losing your entire life savings and job, possibly even a 13-year career.
Good night friends.