Yet Another … Sleepless in Sacramento



4:30 AM!

This is seriously getting old.  Sleep, oh sleep, wherefore art thou!

Scorecard [Day 4 of 10]
Body ............. 1 day reasonable
Simple Brain ..... 1 day reasonable
Thinking Brain ... 2 days decent
Memory ........... 3 days decent
Common Sense ..... 4 days confounded
Heart ............ 4 days strong

“Thursday Workday” on the docket in 2 hours and it’s not looking so good.  Feels like today is going to require extraordinary effort. I continue with doing testing. Follow-up with my doctor looks to be a good idea. My energy level is on the floor this morning. The fog is still hovering. Time to get an expert opinion because my heart is telling me one thing and body and most aspects of my brain another. The question has to be is this it? Is this normal? Is this my new reality for the next year?

Truthfully, sad this morning. I really-really wanted to do this. Call me crazy, but I love my job. Trying out this Intermittent Leave program sure made sense. Keeping a 13-year job knowing you can do 7 more years and happily retire after a 20 year career in one company means a lot to me. Being placed on continuous disability for a year would not be my wish. Common sense tells me though that as an alternative it beats the heck out of losing my battle with cancer. What a strained win it is? Life is good. Life without a job and therefore certain economic disaster is not so good?

Forgive my reflections my friends. It must be a normal process. William went through tough times a decade or so ago and he reminds me that unexpected changes due to medical disability are very hard. He reminds me that I encouraged him to let go, to let the family gather around, to take the time to heal. Hard as it is, it just might be time to take my own long forgotten advice.

Moving forward and trying not to look back.


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